Should I have a child? 3 tips to get clear on your desire

Should I have a child or not? It’s a question that has been accompanying me for quite some years before I became a mom.

I never really knew an answer. Although the question did come up now and then, it wasn’t a big thing for me. I was not in relationships that were suitable for receiving a child. I was focused on other things. I did have a curiosity towards motherhood, but I knew I would be perfectly fine without, and that either way, my life would be wonderful.

Until I got pregnant, unexpectedly. The question suddenly became very relevant. No more time to leave it unanswered.

It took me through a lot of fears. There were moments where I was scared I would hate motherhood, and that it would mean the end of enjoying my life. Other moments I felt undeserving of a gift so big as a baby to care for, and I felt a careful desire underneath. There were so many feelings!

I tried to imagine my life with or without, in detail, but both options seemed to have their own gifts and challenges. There were a million con’s, and just as much pro’s.

I did not find the answer in my mind. At all.

I also didn’t find it in readings, signs or advice from people around me.
It asked of me to dive in and trust myself, and myself alone.

To go beyond all the mind chatter, sink in my body, my womb, and connect with my soul.
And there, from that deep silent space in me, came a simple, clear, drama-free ‘yes’.
I decided to trust that ‘yes’ and go for it. Still scared, still pretty unsure, but open for the change.

It turned out to be the best decision of my life.

Making decisions as life changing as having a child or not, can be so hard. It can bring up so much stuff, and it’s simply impossible to know how it will be on the other side of your choice.

When people ask me how to get clear on this decision, I don’t have the answer for them, as everyone’s road is different, but there’s 3 things I found that helped me:

1: It’s not always bad to hang out in the ‘not knowing’. It’s a phase where a lot can come up and shift. Leaning back into the not knowing, allowing to have no answer yet, and walking through all that comes up can be a healthy and useful part of your journey.

2: It’s not the choice that’s going to bring you happiness. Happiness will always come through you. No matter what outside choice you make. More important than making the perfect choice, is perhaps to make a choice and then choose that it will be your most happy path. Realizing this made me feel safe to choose yes in my case.

3: Your mind is brilliant in making grocery lists, or doing your bookkeeping. Not so brilliant in making big life choices. When the pro’s and con’s are building a web of confusion in your mind: Go for a deeper wisdom. Call it your soul, your gut, your knowingness or whatever. Sit in silence for a bit, sink beneath all those mind stories and other’s opinions. Connect with your womb, or your balls. Listen to the calm voice inside of you. That voice that has no fear, no push, no confusion in it. Ask it to show you where your joy wants to go. Then feel the answer that comes from you, and you alone.

It’s been hugely empowering for me to have to make that choice just for myself, by myself. I realized how much I have been looking outside of me to shape my life. In this case that didn’t work anymore. My choice turned my life upside down, but it brought me way more joy than I ever imagined!